Sweet Suh is Angry, Stomping and Crashing Up a Storm

DATELINE: HUMOR!

Ndamukong Suh may be suspended for two weeks from the NFL, but he is now ready for the off-the-field melt down that often comes to players out of control.

The stomping fool now is free to go home for a few weeks of relaxation and avoid those anger management classes.

So, he promptly went out on the town, crashing his Chevy muscle car with a nimrod of victims into a tree at 1:15 a.m, early Saturday morning. He was driving a classic 1970 Chevy Coupe, favored by ladies of the night and wives without husbands.

Repentant football players on suspension often go out for some fun after midnight. The Lions didn’t seem to notice, being preoccupied with a dozen other boneheads who cause team penalties. 

At present Portland, Oregon, police have not issued a statement on whether Suh was angry that a tree was on the side of the road, deciding to teach it a lesson.

During the process he also hit a curb, a light pole, and a drinking fountain. No citations were needed for a star that gunned his gas pedal  through an intersection.

If he were with the team, facing a game, he’d hardly have a chance to take a long drive off a short pier. Fortunately for Suh, teammates stepped up and committed the foul penalties of unsportsmanlike conduct for him.

Maybe all the passengers in Suh’s car combined to have a maturity level that combines to one adult brain. One married woman was injured, but police ignored the issue because Suh said no one needed an ambulance. Her husband came and took her.

Perhaps Suh’s posse possesses a Wonderlic score equal to his own. It’s 17, by the way, indicating severe adverse reaction to learning or to thinking. 

Suh was uninjured in the car crash, likely using his head as a buttress.

If anyone wondered whether Suh would change his ways, mind his manners, and transform from Eliza Doolittle to be football royalty passed off by the NFL, the latest lapse in off-field antics provides an answer.

Subway sandwiches continue to use him as a spokesperson/celebrity endorser, feeling that their customers are fatheads who want to reduce their condition to bonehead.

Bleeding hearts among Detroit Lion fans feel he will amend his ways, keeping his anger management issue in the home where it belongs. The well-spoken Suh knows a thing or two about selling snake oil.

 

William Russo's newest book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, your Kindle or Nook. Read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY to find a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!