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It’s Not Over Till the Fat Man Sings



Inquiring minds asked recently who is the bigger man in terms of coaching. Is it Andy Reid of the Philadelphia Cream Cheese Eagles, or is it Rex Ryan of the New York Cheese Cake Jets?

Neither man, to his credit, will admit his ring size, let alone how much the total blubber adds up. Ryan claims he lost the weight of a small child through recent dieting habits.

These two big men may want to switch to the British system of stone, rather than putting on the poundage. Ten stone sounds much lighter than three and a half bills.

If baseball pitchers Bartolo Colon and C.C. Sabathia want to see what the future holds, they can look to their coaching counterparts in the NFL.

Tweedledum and Tweedledee were plump, certainly, but lacked the requisite height to carry off their weight in tonnage. 

Coaching causes great stress, and often results in an eating disorder, but men who must oversee the body fat of others may feel somewhat shy about their avoirdupois.

Fatherly portliness worked for Cannon the TV detective and for John Candy, the big man in whatever movie he appeared.

Alas, some of the rotund giants fell early in their careers from too many carrot cakes and too few sticks with a carrot.

Reid and Ryan amply fill out the image of portly men with a few extra pounds in middle age. Both coaches are close in years, within five years and ten pounds of each other—though we give the headstart at the dinner bell to Andy Reid.

Both men have Dopplegangers with just as much heavy loads to carry. Rex has his twin, Rob Ryan of the Dallas Cowboys, and Andy’s long-lost twin is Mike Holmgren, now with the Cleveland Browns in the front porch office.

We’d warn any restaurant where these two coaches meet to cancel the “All you can eat” special till the perfect storm passes.

In the meantime we will continue to enjoy another Sunday repast with gusto. Next week NFL’s terrible twosome may receive the stomach staple of unemployment.


William Russo's newest book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, your Kindle or Nook. Read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY to find a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!




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