Bobby Valentine Offers ‘V’ to the Red Sox
DATELINE: HUMOR!
V (for those wondering) is the drink of choice for vampires on the cable series called True Blood. The dosage is considered narcotic and is illegal for humans to drink.
The symbol ‘V’ also stands for victory in more pedestrian beer drinking baseball circles.
Somewhere in this mixology, V is also the abbreviation for the name of the new Red Sox high priest of Fenway. His nickname is Bobby V, some sort of abridged version of his heart-felt name.
Bobby Valentine’s heart now belongs to Daddy John Henry Warbucks. Yes, fans, it was Ben Cherington who woke up and found the horse’s head in his bed.
Thereafter came an offer for Bobby to be manager of the Red Sox.
The job offer came swiftly after a stroll in the Boston Common for 149 days. Moses took longer to find his way, but he only had to part the Red Sea, not deal with the Red Sox.
So, Bobby is now the manager of your standard underachieving batch of country-western line-dancing pitchers.
The Texas Two-Steppers like Josh Beckett and Clay Buchholz may be out of their league next to the man who is known as the best ballroom dancer in baseball.
Not even Fred and Ginger stand a chance when this manager shows his fancy footwork. Judges on DWTS always defer to Bobby V, and Simon Cowell calls Bobby his role model.
The Dick Williams Fan Club has been praying Valentine will do the Monster Mash all over the pampered Sox beer guzzlers. He won’t be tolerating another waltz, dancing with those prima donnas of the Red Sox.
If Josh Beckett hung his Red Sox stocking by the chimney, those lumps of coal are only the beginning of life in the dugout with Bobby V.
Every day will now be Valentine’s Day. Life may be a box of chocolates for the fans, and Bobby V will give sweets to the sweet on the Sox. Most of all, Bobby ♥s the fans.
Known as the man who invented the wrap, Bobby may also give misbehaving Sox players a rap sandwich with his knuckleworst.
William Russo's newest book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, your Kindle or Nook. Read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY to find a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!
