The Old Sod Gums Up Tom Brady
DATELINE: HUMOR!
A funny thing happened to Tom Brady on the way to slicing and dicing the Philadelphia Eagles at their home field. Tom tried sliding to avoid the behemoth tacklers on the Philly side as he scrambled with the ball.
We have seen better slides from Uncle Fred’s holiday in Poughkeepsie. It was not Brady’s fault as he dashed away for extra yards when no target was available for a pass.
Brady has never been fleet of foot and will never be mistaken for the god Mercury. We prefer to see that role served by Julian Edelman, Danny Woodhead or Wes Welker.
Tom admitted on WEEI’s D&C Morning Show that “maybe I should go over to Fenway and have them teach me how to slide…” He noted how he wears “a big ass knee brace” that digs into the turf.
We’ve seen photos of Tom Brady sliding down a waterslide at Disneyland, which seemed about as daring as the New England quarterback usually gets.
During the recent victory over the Eagles, Tom slid twice, but the old sod did not cooperate. He almost became scrambled eggs.
Granted, Tom Brady has a disadvantage that most sliding star athletes do not face. Tom’s safety brace on his left knee and calf protects the franchise. A few years ago he tore all kinds of ligaments and was out for a year.
Alas, the brace slowed down Tom’s slide to something like hitting a speed bump. He came to a screeching halt as if he slammed on his lease car’s ABS. That had to hurt as he bounced like a bowling ball.
At first Brady thought he had bent his brace out of shape as it seemed to be twisted and immobile. Had the irresistible force finally met the immoveable object?
Quick thinking Aaron Hernandez came to the rescue. The young tight end stuck his hand into the muck between Tom’s knee and the brace and pulled out, not a plum, but a chunk of divot.
Brady had more grass stains on his knee socks than you’d expect from Jeff Spicoli, playing fast and loose at Ridgmont High back in the 1980s.
The weeds had their own Tuck Rule, gumming up the best-laid plans of Tom Brady to continue his no-huddle offense. Philly sod imbedded into the brace, trying to derail the Terrific Tom to no avail.
Tom bounced on his left buttock twice for great yardage and a better spot for the ball, generally about five or six yards. We suggest a slide to the right backside next time.
Tom’s knee brace seems to have been made in Philly by Ben Franklin out of Poor Richard’s liberty bell, digging its clapper into the ground. The end result was more gopher holes on the gridiron than you’d find in a Caddyshack movie.
As the game proceeded, Eagles QB Vince Young fell into every one of the divots. Never underestimate Tom Brady.
William Russo's newest book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, your Kindle or Nook. Read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY to find a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!
