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Red Sox Manager Search Turns into Kim Kardashian’s Marriage


The Red Sox managerial nuptials are taking about as long as Kim Kardashian needs to find out she married the wrong man.

With thousands of suitors, the Red Sox checked the field, played the field, and found the field was overrun with gopher balls.

Between the time Kris Humphries married Kim and she divorced him, the Red Sox have changed their socks more often than NBPA negotiators met with ownership.

Kim Kardashian combed the wilds of football and basketball before she found the tallest manchild in the Promised Land. The Red Sox have combed the yellow pages of managerial candidates to find no one.

The Red Sox ownership has a trousseau only slightly less gaudy than the dowry demanded by the Kardashian family. Their standards are lower than a benched basketball center.

Media coverage of the Red Sox includes paparazzi sneaking into the clubhouse to spy the wedding banquet prepared for the next manager. Among the Wedding Day trimmings are imported beer and fried chicken from the best fast food emporia.

The latest Red Sox marriage proposal was spurned when the groomed manager ran off to elope with Theo Epstein and the Cubs. 

No self-respecting Kardashian would take such treatment lying down on a leaked video. Being the Red Sox manager is no bed of roses filled with basketballs.

Boston’s Red Sox have been forced to look for a funny Valentine to cheer up the bridesmaids, Wally the Green Monster and Larry Lucchino.

Principal owner Thurston Howell Henry VIII wants to give the bride away as soon as he can and rebounded with a list of demands and a lineup card to Bobby Valentine the night before the big nuptials.

We wonder, if the courtship takes 72 days, how long will the shotgun marriage of Ben Cherington and Bobby Valentine actually last?


William Russo's newest book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, your Kindle or Nook. Read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY to find a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!






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