A Cull to Arms
In New Jersey, more specifically between Exit 8A and Hell (which is the name of this blog) where I dwell, I am facing an ever increasing menace:
Foreigners-? No
More Traffic? Uh-uh
Teenage Girls Emulating Snooki?- No. Thank god the girls here understand she's not to be followed.
If you've lived in Jersey long enough, you have noticed the ever increasing amount of wild critters that are characters in Bambi; They're cute...and I want to shoot them.
First off, the deer population-Yes I know that the natural habitat of the deer has been diminishing because of new construction and deforestation, but like the sheep to person ratio in Ireland, Jersey is being taken over, slowly. In nature most creatures curtail their reproduction when their habitat is being encroached. Evidently, deer seem to thrive sexually in times of duress...kinda like a frat guy when the keg is empty, and there's nobody to fight. Deer are just large, large, pointy headed, garden eating, Subaru slaying menaces. I think a law should be posted that any hunter with a license, spots a deer, anywhere-can shoot it on site.
Canadian Geese..eh? I think this was Canada's answer to the throngs of dirty Americans who flock to Niagra Falls and Montreal for the cheap cigarettes and hookers, high percentage beers or play for the CFL. These birds already caused worldwide fame with the plane crash of US Air from LaGuardia Airport to the Hudson River. Thank god, another man named Sully saved the day. Canadian Geese as it turns out, don't always fly south for the winter as they feel content to stay. Geese ike senior citizens should not be here in winter...it's not natural and it's not good for the ecosystem. But unlike our snowbirds who decided to stay because insurance premiums in Coral Gables was too much, geese need to be dealt with. One idea is to herd them up, and then use them to make foie gras. Sure it's cruel and unusual punishment for the goose, but as someone said, "If a goose is to stupid to fly to warmer weather, then I think its ok to eat their livers."
The last creature which seems to be a problem, more importantly my problem- is squirrels.
These bastards have been tormenting me since I bought my place between exit 8A and Hell (Did I mentioned this is name of this blog?). Specifically two squirrels who use my balcony as their personal toilet. Every day these precocious over-glorified rats have gotten to the point where they will see me looking at them, and then will proceed to do their business...knowing damn well I'll be out there later cleaning up. Just a couple weeks ago, I was indulging in a cigar with fellow MTR blogger Mike (Big Blue Blog). We both heard a scurrying sound coming from under my grill which was covered by a tarp. Mike checks it out to discover a squirrel's nest. It's elaborate, it's pretty neat, and it has a baby in there! The both of us are trying to figure out to get rid of this nest, but have some compassion for the baby squirrel. We tried to move the nest to another part of the balcony with a broom, but as we disturbed the nest, the baby squirrel jumped out of the nest and fell three stories...then was eaten by the stray cat...circle of life.
I'm sure after I post this my karmic wheels with fall off as I'll go face to face with a 10 point buck...at 50miles per hour...through the front windshield...then, through my skull.
