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New England Patriots Still Waiting for the Great Pumpkin


After the fiasco in Pittsburgh, the Patriots may have been studying the wrong film for this big game.

They may have watched Charlie Brown and Linus in “The Great Pumpkin.”

More likely they were watching the slick moves of adult star Bibi Jones in her films, rather than the thick moves of Ben Roethlisberger. Perhaps they were misinformed that Ben and Bibi were in the same game film.

Patriots showed off their new stocking caps, but the stockers were all waving orange towels. The only cap needed for this game was a nightcap.

On a positive note, Ochocinco revealed his Halloween costume during the game: he was the tricky Invisible Man. 

When nothing goes right, even the referees join in the shenanigans: they missed an obvious touchdown for the Patriots with 3 minutes left in the game and made them play another minute to score. Trick or treat, indeed.

Belichick’s team didn’t play well at all—from missed tackles to poorly executed onside kicking, they Patriots looked like they missed their Pop Warner training. The ghouls were masquerading as football players.

This game may have trapped the wrong team. After unheard of success after the bye week, Belichick’s team decided to mail in their performance.

Someone pointed out that Pittsburgh Steelers play on real grass, not artificial turf. No one told the Patriots, and they played like the turkey in the straw.

Most of the Patriots looked like men who realized their homes back in New England were under two feet of snow from the surprising Halloween weekend snowstorm and probably without power.

The Great Pumpkin did not appear in Pittsburgh again this year. The Patriots are still waiting in the pumpkin patch for a guaranteed victory that everyone predicted.

The Great Pumpkin failed the Peanuts bunch every year, and Tom Brady looked like a Peanuts character whose faith was not rewarded.

James Whitcomb Riley wrote a poem called, “When the Frost is on the Punkin.” If you missed frost on the punkin this year, you had only to turn on the Patriots-Steelers game to notice the “gobble of the struttin’ turkey-cock” and “the cluckin’ of the hens.”

William Russo's newest book is now out, ready for your tablet, your smartphone, your Kindle or Nook. Read RED SOX 2011: A WHIMSICAL AUTOPSY to find a month-by-month examination of the team, showing all the signs of trouble that most sports media missed. His other sports books are SEX, DRUGS, SPORTS & WHIMSY and RAJON RONDO: SUPERSTAR!


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